Unexpected trigger…

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.   Out of the blue, memories came flooding back…   I remembered your hearse.  It was white; I chose white for your hearse.  It seemed appropriate because you were “still a little girl”…

I remembered that conversation with the funeral home director as I was driving home from work last night, and the tears started pouring out of me.

I cried so hard that the road was blurry.  I heard my sobbing as I was driving along, and I relaxed and cried my heart out.

Before you died, I told you I would cry forever.  But the truth is that I spend most of my time holding the hurt in.  Holding my tears in.  Being strong.  Allowing myself to live somewhere between blocking you from my thoughts, and not forgetting you for a single second.

It’s almost 8 years since you died.  Since I crashed the car that you died in.    My life has gone on, but yours ended that day.

That’s not fair.

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.

 

 

An unexpected trigger.

Apple of my eye…

Her visit to my dreams that night,

bestowed a treasured gift.

She saw my eyes had lost their light,

downhill my life did drift.

“I love you mum,

please carry on, and live the life I can’t.

I love you still and always will,

forgiveness, you must grant”.

I drove the car that crashed that day,

the accident was mine.

My precious daughter lost her life,

to forgive is too divine.

“My Darling girl,

your life I took, that fact will always be.

But I’ll live for you, if one more time,

you’ll put your arms around me…” .

She threw her arms around my neck,

she held me close and tight.

She whispered love,

and wiped my tears…

She sat with me all night.

When morning came, I woke alone,

she didn’t answer to my cries.

But the mirror showed the gift she left…

A light was in my eyes.

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Goodbyes and highs…

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The sun came out this morning,

it was shining from my eyes.

I woke, anticipating,

a fat pocket full of highs.

I’m gonna numb out all the sadness,

I’ll fill my world up with false light.

Ignoring those who judge me…

cos unbroken hearts don’t have that right…

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Day by day…

Some days

are the worst days,

nothing is ok.

Wallowing in sorrow,

and content to live that way.

 

The good days

well forgotten,

when the hard ones

come to stay.

Some days are the worst days,

the worst day is today.

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Like a stone…

What can I say when the words won’t come?

The pain just sits in my heart like a giant weight,

that keeps on growing…

How do I cry when my tears have dried up?

Emotions are stuck in my throat,

like lumps.

I’ve been strong for so long,

through my grief,

I’ve gone on…

But now I feel cold,

like a stone.

.

1 year closer to Heaven…

Another year starts without seeing my baby.

She’s another year further away.

Another long year since i last held my baby.

Another year closer to ‘one day’…

 

 

 

 

 

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Happy birthday in Heaven…

Chain smoking and tears

is on my agenda for today.

Happy 16th birthday to my precious daughter.

I wish it was happy.

 

 

 

 

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