Unexpected trigger…

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.   Out of the blue, memories came flooding back…   I remembered your hearse.  It was white; I chose white for your hearse.  It seemed appropriate because you were “still a little girl”…

I remembered that conversation with the funeral home director as I was driving home from work last night, and the tears started pouring out of me.

I cried so hard that the road was blurry.  I heard my sobbing as I was driving along, and I relaxed and cried my heart out.

Before you died, I told you I would cry forever.  But the truth is that I spend most of my time holding the hurt in.  Holding my tears in.  Being strong.  Allowing myself to live somewhere between blocking you from my thoughts, and not forgetting you for a single second.

It’s almost 8 years since you died.  Since I crashed the car that you died in.    My life has gone on, but yours ended that day.

That’s not fair.

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.

 

 

An unexpected trigger.

Apple of my eye…

Her visit to my dreams that night,

bestowed a treasured gift.

She saw my eyes had lost their light,

downhill my life did drift.

“I love you mum,

please carry on, and live the life I can’t.

I love you still and always will,

forgiveness, you must grant”.

I drove the car that crashed that day,

the accident was mine.

My precious daughter lost her life,

to forgive is too divine.

“My Darling girl,

your life I took, that fact will always be.

But I’ll live for you, if one more time,

you’ll put your arms around me…” .

She threw her arms around my neck,

she held me close and tight.

She whispered love,

and wiped my tears…

She sat with me all night.

When morning came, I woke alone,

she didn’t answer to my cries.

But the mirror showed the gift she left…

A light was in my eyes.

.

Like a stone…

What can I say when the words won’t come?

The pain just sits in my heart like a giant weight,

that keeps on growing…

How do I cry when my tears have dried up?

Emotions are stuck in my throat,

like lumps.

I’ve been strong for so long,

through my grief,

I’ve gone on…

But now I feel cold,

like a stone.

.

Lost soul…

 

Lost.

The path has blurred.

Busy hands occupying time,

while thoughts wander.

Rebuilding life

around the emptiness

she left behind…

How?

A pipe full of courage

gives the illusion of strength,

while the smoke blows in the wrong direction.

A shattered soul

clings to the numb.

Terrified of a reality

built upon the ashes

of devastation.

Broken hearted,

and lost.

 

 

.

 

Memory Lane…

I’m walking down memory lane,

the streets are lined with pain.

I see you dancing through my brain,

and the hurt drives me insane.

Your death has left a stain

from tears I cry over again.

I want you home Baby.

I miss you more than words explain.

Hole wide world…

There’s a hole in our home

that can’t be repaired.

The girl who once lived here is gone.

There’s a hole in the world

that cannot be filled.

The girl I gave life to is gone.

There’s a hole in my heart

that can never be healed.

The girl, most beloved, is gone.

She took a whole lot of love

when she left us that day.

She left behind such a big hole.

 

.

 

 

Forget-me-not…

I’ll forget you not ever.

Not a day passes by,

that I remember your face

without needing to cry.

 

I’ll forget you not ever.

I’m a shadow today,

of the woman you knew

before death took you away.

 

I’ll forget you not ever.

The short life that you got.

I can picture you saying,

“Mum, forget-me-not”.

 

 

.

Bottled up…

I bottle my pain

to keep it all for myself.

Deep inside its contained

locked away on a shelf.

I sedate it with vices

any numb I can find.

I can block out my heart

but i can’t still my mind…

Comfort from a bottle…

Red wine

is my friend

I come out of my shell.I drink alone

Relaxation and smiles

and laughter as well.

It helps my grief thaw,

and my heart see the light,

it lifts the weight from my soul

at least for tonight….

 

 

 

Hindsight……

Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.creepy

But hindsight is 20/20.

When you think back,

you can always clearly see signs.

 

Little things.hindsight

Odd things.

Easily ignored things…

 

 

One room that always feels cold.

Pets that keep dying,  for no apparent reason.images (7)

Field gems burying themselves in the earth.

A child’s dreams of death and dying.

Recurring.

 

Those are just a few of the things…

 

 

You try so hard not to overthink things.

It all sounds crazy weeping_angel

to your own ears.

So you ignore the goosebumps on your arms.

Choosing rational answers.

Logic.

 

 

And then tragedy strikes…daisies

The same as in her dreams.

Beloved.

Child.

Gone.

 

Forget_Me_Not

Forever leaving you to question

why you didn’t see the signs…

 

 

 

 

 

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I haven’t gone…

R.I.P

I may be gone, but still I’m here,

weeping_angel_by_astanael-d4m87g2I know you’ve thought you felt me near..

I answer when you call my name

Each tear you cry, I cry the same.

I know you love me

You’ve been so strong

I love you too.  I haven’t gone.

I’ve been beside you every day

and with you I will always stay.

This pain we share will ever be

Don’t give your life to grieving me.

Pick up your heart and carry on

I’ll always love you

I haven’t gone.

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Time…

Black sand falling through the hourglass.

Minutes passing by.  Time without you.

Years.

 

How does one carry on

with broken shards in place of a heartbeat?

Every breath cutting deep

with the knowledge that you are gone.

 

Forever.

Such a painful word.

A bottomless void.

Eternal teardrops

measuring the depth of my love.

 

How can you blame me

for numbing this pain?

This death in my soul?

 

Black sand marks the passage of time without you.

 

 

 

Two years…

It hurts to think of you.

It hurts to hear silence where your voice once existed.Please come back.

It hurts to see photos, instead of your face, that was so like my own…

It hurts to know that your world is rotting away in cardboard boxes.

I kept the pencil sharpenings I found in your pocket.

It hurts to keep them.

It hurts to even think of not keeping them.

I can still smell the shampoo in your lock of hair.

It hurts to smell it.

I miss you every minute,

and it hurts.

Numb.

“You’re so strong Toni”.  images (1)

I hear that all the time.

The truth is,

I’m not strong.

I am numb.

Being numb means I don’t have to feel the pain.

That isn’t strong.