Bryer…

Bryer.

During a dark today,

I remembered something funny you once said.

And I suddenly laughed.

You’ve been gone more than 7 years,

and today you cheered me up.

Thank you.

Xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

Old friends…

Red wine & smoking,

a mellow night with my friend.

Memory lane stalking,

with a Mary-Jane blend.

.

6years, 9months…

Almost 7 years without you.

It’s normal now.

Sometimes I wonder

if you were even really real.

My broken heart tells me you were.

I love you so much Bryer.

I miss you constantly.

Love from Mom. Xx

Hindsight…

HindsightAm I lost?

Or am I hiding?…

I don’t know where I’ve gone.

How did I lose the Me I know?

Why did it all go wrong?

I sit alone in silence,

staring blankly through the night.

I try to find my way, by looking back,

the path is clear, through life,

in hindsight.

.

.

Miss Trust…

Insecurity rears it’s ugly head,

taunting me with doubt…

The thinking sends me backwards,

my trust turns inside out.

Past loves echo through my head,

I’ve been fooled and hurt before.

I need you to reassure me.

Reassure me, just once more…

 

 

 

Memory Lane…

I’m walking down memory lane,

the streets are lined with pain.

I see you dancing through my brain,

and the hurt drives me insane.

Your death has left a stain

from tears I cry over again.

I want you home Baby.

I miss you more than words explain.

Forget-me-not…

I’ll forget you not ever.

Not a day passes by,

that I remember your face

without needing to cry.

 

I’ll forget you not ever.

I’m a shadow today,

of the woman you knew

before death took you away.

 

I’ll forget you not ever.

The short life that you got.

I can picture you saying,

“Mum, forget-me-not”.

 

 

.

Happy Birthday…

Another year older.

Lessons learned.

Bridges burned.

Wisdom earned.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Memories of Bryer…

Bryer.

Today I opened a box full of memories

and the first thing I saw

was your beautiful face

smiling up at me…Bryer.

 

 

It’s been two and a half years

since I saw your smile.

How have I survived so long…

when my heart died

with you.

 

 

Impossible choices…

Complicated heart.

A past love with no full stop in place.

vs

A present love with no desire to lose.

crossroad

It is impossible to choose

between my memories

and my now.

Bryer was here…

My eldest daughter was only twelve when I killed her.

It was a cold Saturday morning, and my youngest daughter had just finished playing netball, she was grumpy because her team had lost, and she was arguing with her sister about sitting in the front seat.

“Muuum!”  my oldest girl moaned “It’s MY turn!”

I lost my temper “That’s enough you two!  I’m sick of the fighting! It’s Bryers turn in the front and that’s that!”

Both girls stopped arguing and jumped into the car and put their seat belts on.  We left the netball courts and began the long drive home.  I started feeling sorry for growling them, so I stopped at a bakery and brought treats for the drive home.   Back on the road again, I smiled at my oldest daughter as I handed her a piece of cake,  I then passed my youngest daughter hers in the backseat.  I only took my eyes off the road for a split second when I heard the crunch of gravel as our car started veering off the road, I quickly swerved the steering wheel to straighten us up, but I must have swerved too hard, and our car started fish-tailing out of control.  It all happened so fast, yet so slowly at the same time.  I remember feeling our car spinning across the road, and I remember seeing another car driving towards us.  I don’t remember the bang of our car hitting the other car.   I don’t remember the first few minutes after the crash.

The first thing I remember is realizing that I was sitting in the back seat, witness’s said I climbed out of my door and into the back seat to check my youngest daughter. Her leg was trapped, and she had a huge hole above her eye, other than that she was conscious and calm.   No-one knows if I checked my eldest girl in the passenger seat, and to this day it haunts me that maybe I didn’t…

I remember the police and ambulance arriving, followed by a firetruck to cut my daughters out of our car.

The next half hour is a blur to me.

A police officer came and told me that the rescue helicopter was on its way to take my daughters to hospital, I would go in an ambulance – I was in shock and didn’t fully comprehend how serious their injuries were.

I remember being in the ambulance, when suddenly I felt something break inside of my heart – that’s the best way I can describe it – something died inside of me…   I started to panic, “Bryer has died”  I said to the ambulance officer in the back with me “She’s died, she’s died”     He tried to calm me down, but couldn’t, so in the end he asked the driver to radio the helicopter…

The reply finally came back that no she hadn’t died, but she was in a serious condition.   I couldn’t calm down though – I knew what I had felt.

We got to hospital and my girls were already in surgery.  I was put through various tests while a nurse picked bits of glass out of me.  The whole time I was crying to know what was happening with my children – I knew Bryer had died, but they kept telling me both girls were alive and in surgery.  They kept giving me hope.

Hours passed, and my injuries were treated while my girls were in surgery.  I had a broken rib and bruised lung and severe bruising on my brain.  It took fifteen stitches to close the wound on my chin up.

No-one would tell me what was happening with my children.

Finally I was wheeled into a room, and I saw my ex-husband there, holding my eldest daughters hand

“It’s a farce” he said “She’s already gone”.   He was crying and crying, but I was numb, I just looked at her.

She didn’t have a scratch on her beautiful face, It took many months before I was able to understand how she could be gone when I couldn’t see any injuries.   I still don’t understand why they gave me hope, even though I already knew that she had died.

The impact of the crash had caused Bryer’s seat belt to perforate her lung, stopping oxygen from getting to her brain.     Her brain had died in the helicopter.  The doctors fought to save her, but Bryer’s injuries were too severe.

With our consent, the doctor turned the machine that was keeping Bryer’s heart beating off, and her official time of death is 6.11pm.

My youngest daughter received a broken wrist, and eighty stitches put her face back together  (two and half years later and the scar is barely noticeable).

I was charged with driving on an expired licence, and sentenced to one year home detention.

I am nearly at the end of my sentence now – my official sentence, that is.    Everyday I cry for my beloved daughter and wish she could forgive me.  Everyday I live, knowing that it should have been me who died, and knowing that I can’t ever forgive myself.

Bryer’s birthday…

Remember remember the sixth of November.

 

You should have been turning fifteen this week.

But you died two and a half years ago.

Where has the time gone?

I’m able to talk about you without crying sometimes now.

Sometimes I can even have a laugh over something you said or did.

The tears still come daily though.

Usually at night.

 

I’ve nearly completed the sentence I received for your death.

My ‘official’ sentence, that is.

You and I both know that my real sentence is living through every day that you lost.

 

You should have been turning fifteen this week.

I’m so sorry Bryer.

I’m so so sorry, my baby.

Memory Lane pain…

A car accident this morning brings back memories of loss.

My nephew is ok, though his car is not.

I can’t help but cry and remember my girl.

She wasn’t ok.

 

I’m so sorry Bryer.

Comfort from a bottle…

Red wine

is my friend

I come out of my shell.I drink alone

Relaxation and smiles

and laughter as well.

It helps my grief thaw,

and my heart see the light,

it lifts the weight from my soul

at least for tonight….

 

 

 

Hindsight……

Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.creepy

But hindsight is 20/20.

When you think back,

you can always clearly see signs.

 

Little things.hindsight

Odd things.

Easily ignored things…

 

 

One room that always feels cold.

Pets that keep dying,  for no apparent reason.images (7)

Field gems burying themselves in the earth.

A child’s dreams of death and dying.

Recurring.

 

Those are just a few of the things…

 

 

You try so hard not to overthink things.

It all sounds crazy weeping_angel

to your own ears.

So you ignore the goosebumps on your arms.

Choosing rational answers.

Logic.

 

 

And then tragedy strikes…daisies

The same as in her dreams.

Beloved.

Child.

Gone.

 

Forget_Me_Not

Forever leaving you to question

why you didn’t see the signs…

 

 

 

 

 

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Numb.

“You’re so strong Toni”.  images (1)

I hear that all the time.

The truth is,

I’m not strong.

I am numb.

Being numb means I don’t have to feel the pain.

That isn’t strong.

I can’t help but wonder…

Do you like knowing that I’m stuck here?

Do you like it that I miss you?

Do you like to keep me waiting for you?

Do you like my loneliness?    Do you even notice it?

Do you think about me after you leave?

Do you miss me?

Do you go out of your way to make time for me?

Do you take me for granted?ImageImage

Enjoying the simple pleasures…

I get to leave my gilded cage tomorrow.

For three whole hours, I can go out and see…Image

Six months have passed since my lock was put on.

Tomorrow I’ll remember ‘free’.

My hangover…

The best thing i can do, is have a beer, and a snort.Image

Mary-Jane.

It’s the end of my day,  I need to relax. . .   I roll myself a smoke & disappear out to my porch-swing.   The moon is full & stars are out in full force – shining like the beloved memories of loved ones, high above the earth.   I light my smoke & have a deep drag on it, blowing it out again, watching the smoke drift towards heaven.  Another drag, & then another. . .   Oh yes, the stress’s from my day are fading away.   I’m smiling over random thoughts that make no sense at all.   I stretch & yawn.  I’ve had enough of my smoke now, it’s time to go back inside & curl up so I can think my peaceful, mellow thoughts alone.   My eyes will close soon, allowing my mind to open up to the worldImage of the sleeping thinkers.