6years, 9months…

Almost 7 years without you.

It’s normal now.

Sometimes I wonder

if you were even really real.

My broken heart tells me you were.

I love you so much Bryer.

I miss you constantly.

Love from Mom. Xx

Little Miss Tuffet…

9c55789984

Little Miss Tuffet,

needs to learn when to stuff it…

‘backchatting’ won’t win points from me.

I’m glad that she’s fierce,

It’ll help through her years,

but cheekiness, will earn her no tea…

 

 

.

Day by day…

Some days

are the worst days,

nothing is ok.

Wallowing in sorrow,

and content to live that way.

 

The good days

well forgotten,

when the hard ones

come to stay.

Some days are the worst days,

the worst day is today.

.

1 year closer to Heaven…

Another year starts without seeing my baby.

She’s another year further away.

Another long year since i last held my baby.

Another year closer to ‘one day’…

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

Time doesn’t heal…

I always miss you my baby.

Years have passed

without your face.

Months have passed

without your voice.

Days pass

without your name.

But I spend not one minute

without missing you.

.

Lost…

Her lock of hair sits in a box.

My broken heart continues beating.

Life carry’s on, she’s left back in time.

Minutes with her were too fleeting.

Her soul stands beside me

unseen are her tears.

She wishes I’d live without pain.

But my arms want my girl,

my eyes ache for her face.

Every morning the hurt starts again.

Necessary tears…

The grief builds up.

It hurts when it comes out.

Sometimes I try to hold it in.

But it builds up.

And up.

And up.

Until I can’t hold it in anymore.

 

 

Memories of Bryer…

Bryer.

Today I opened a box full of memories

and the first thing I saw

was your beautiful face

smiling up at me…Bryer.

 

 

It’s been two and a half years

since I saw your smile.

How have I survived so long…

when my heart died

with you.

 

 

Midnight grieving…

It’s the middle of the night

and I just can’t sleep.

Memories keep breaking my heart.

Tears overflowing.

Pain wracking my soul.

No matter what I do,

I can’t stop knowing

that you are gone

forever.

Bryer was here…

My eldest daughter was only twelve when I killed her.

It was a cold Saturday morning, and my youngest daughter had just finished playing netball, she was grumpy because her team had lost, and she was arguing with her sister about sitting in the front seat.

“Muuum!”  my oldest girl moaned “It’s MY turn!”

I lost my temper “That’s enough you two!  I’m sick of the fighting! It’s Bryers turn in the front and that’s that!”

Both girls stopped arguing and jumped into the car and put their seat belts on.  We left the netball courts and began the long drive home.  I started feeling sorry for growling them, so I stopped at a bakery and brought treats for the drive home.   Back on the road again, I smiled at my oldest daughter as I handed her a piece of cake,  I then passed my youngest daughter hers in the backseat.  I only took my eyes off the road for a split second when I heard the crunch of gravel as our car started veering off the road, I quickly swerved the steering wheel to straighten us up, but I must have swerved too hard, and our car started fish-tailing out of control.  It all happened so fast, yet so slowly at the same time.  I remember feeling our car spinning across the road, and I remember seeing another car driving towards us.  I don’t remember the bang of our car hitting the other car.   I don’t remember the first few minutes after the crash.

The first thing I remember is realizing that I was sitting in the back seat, witness’s said I climbed out of my door and into the back seat to check my youngest daughter. Her leg was trapped, and she had a huge hole above her eye, other than that she was conscious and calm.   No-one knows if I checked my eldest girl in the passenger seat, and to this day it haunts me that maybe I didn’t…

I remember the police and ambulance arriving, followed by a firetruck to cut my daughters out of our car.

The next half hour is a blur to me.

A police officer came and told me that the rescue helicopter was on its way to take my daughters to hospital, I would go in an ambulance – I was in shock and didn’t fully comprehend how serious their injuries were.

I remember being in the ambulance, when suddenly I felt something break inside of my heart – that’s the best way I can describe it – something died inside of me…   I started to panic, “Bryer has died”  I said to the ambulance officer in the back with me “She’s died, she’s died”     He tried to calm me down, but couldn’t, so in the end he asked the driver to radio the helicopter…

The reply finally came back that no she hadn’t died, but she was in a serious condition.   I couldn’t calm down though – I knew what I had felt.

We got to hospital and my girls were already in surgery.  I was put through various tests while a nurse picked bits of glass out of me.  The whole time I was crying to know what was happening with my children – I knew Bryer had died, but they kept telling me both girls were alive and in surgery.  They kept giving me hope.

Hours passed, and my injuries were treated while my girls were in surgery.  I had a broken rib and bruised lung and severe bruising on my brain.  It took fifteen stitches to close the wound on my chin up.

No-one would tell me what was happening with my children.

Finally I was wheeled into a room, and I saw my ex-husband there, holding my eldest daughters hand

“It’s a farce” he said “She’s already gone”.   He was crying and crying, but I was numb, I just looked at her.

She didn’t have a scratch on her beautiful face, It took many months before I was able to understand how she could be gone when I couldn’t see any injuries.   I still don’t understand why they gave me hope, even though I already knew that she had died.

The impact of the crash had caused Bryer’s seat belt to perforate her lung, stopping oxygen from getting to her brain.     Her brain had died in the helicopter.  The doctors fought to save her, but Bryer’s injuries were too severe.

With our consent, the doctor turned the machine that was keeping Bryer’s heart beating off, and her official time of death is 6.11pm.

My youngest daughter received a broken wrist, and eighty stitches put her face back together  (two and half years later and the scar is barely noticeable).

I was charged with driving on an expired licence, and sentenced to one year home detention.

I am nearly at the end of my sentence now – my official sentence, that is.    Everyday I cry for my beloved daughter and wish she could forgive me.  Everyday I live, knowing that it should have been me who died, and knowing that I can’t ever forgive myself.

Acceptance…

I’ve been dreaming about you Baby,

You seem happy and peaceful.

Your hair has grown long, since I last saw you.

You’re full of hugs and smiles towards me.

Does that mean you forgive me?

Is it me that is unable to forgive myself?

 

Sometimes I really believe that I can feel you near me.

But mostly, the emptiness around me is solid and absolute.

Every day I lose more hope

as the reality sets deeper in my heart.

 

I know that only memories and boxes now remain, where you once existed.

You yourself, are forever gone.

Bryer’s birthday…

Remember remember the sixth of November.

 

You should have been turning fifteen this week.

But you died two and a half years ago.

Where has the time gone?

I’m able to talk about you without crying sometimes now.

Sometimes I can even have a laugh over something you said or did.

The tears still come daily though.

Usually at night.

 

I’ve nearly completed the sentence I received for your death.

My ‘official’ sentence, that is.

You and I both know that my real sentence is living through every day that you lost.

 

You should have been turning fifteen this week.

I’m so sorry Bryer.

I’m so so sorry, my baby.

Memory Lane pain…

A car accident this morning brings back memories of loss.

My nephew is ok, though his car is not.

I can’t help but cry and remember my girl.

She wasn’t ok.

 

I’m so sorry Bryer.

Hindsight……

Sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.creepy

But hindsight is 20/20.

When you think back,

you can always clearly see signs.

 

Little things.hindsight

Odd things.

Easily ignored things…

 

 

One room that always feels cold.

Pets that keep dying,  for no apparent reason.images (7)

Field gems burying themselves in the earth.

A child’s dreams of death and dying.

Recurring.

 

Those are just a few of the things…

 

 

You try so hard not to overthink things.

It all sounds crazy weeping_angel

to your own ears.

So you ignore the goosebumps on your arms.

Choosing rational answers.

Logic.

 

 

And then tragedy strikes…daisies

The same as in her dreams.

Beloved.

Child.

Gone.

 

Forget_Me_Not

Forever leaving you to question

why you didn’t see the signs…

 

 

 

 

 

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Wish you were here…

Night rears it’s head.

Loneliness settles in.weeping angel

Quiet echoes through the house.

A pin drops.

The silence deafens.

Alone at night,

I cry for you.

Missing what was.

Grieving for what should have been.

Sadness rules.

Guilt reigns.

Engrossed in sorrow.

Unaware

That you sit beside me.

Holding my hand.

Crying your ghostly tears.

Haunting me.

With love.