A one sided visit
from a one sided man,
with a one sided dinner
as the one sided plan.
One sided business,
then some one sided pleasure,
throw in one sided snoring
for one sided good measure.
But hindsight is 20/20.
When you think back,
you can always clearly see signs.
Easily ignored things…
One room that always feels cold.
Field gems burying themselves in the earth.
A child’s dreams of death and dying.
Those are just a few of the things…
You try so hard not to overthink things.
to your own ears.
So you ignore the goosebumps on your arms.
Choosing rational answers.
The same as in her dreams.
Forever leaving you to question
why you didn’t see the signs…
You finally showed your face today.
After I busted you and you stormed out, and then ignored me for a week,
Admittedly, it wasn’t a personal visit, we needed to do some business,
and business matters must always be kept separate from personal ones…
So, how the fuck did we manage to end up in bed then?
It wasn’t even slightly romantic, just fast, hard sex.
The exact sort of sex I was needing.
I didn’t intend to look you in the eye at all, I even tried to keep mine shut so I wouldn’t,
but at one stage, I opened them, and accidentally looked straight into your eyes,
and what I saw surprised me. . .
You’ve been missing me.
Afterwards I got straight up and started getting dressed, with my cold shoulder facing you.
That’s when you said it…
“I did not fuck her”
I’m quite certain all busted partners say the same thing, so I ignored it and just carried on being cold to you.
You sat up, and gently grabbed my chin, making me look at you
“I said i didn’t fucken fuck her”.
I am not some gullible moron that gets sucked in easily by bullshit,
but I looked at you as you said that – I looked deeply…
And I believed you.
Uh-oh… that means I’m an asshole!
A jealous, suspicious, assuming asshole!
I’m not usually the jealous type though,
and your behavior WAS a classic example of guilt…
I’m suddenly not sure about what I think I know at all.
I’m glad you’ve gone now because I need to mull this over in my head, on my own.
I believed what you said, and i know what I know.
I know that facts can be twisted, I know that shitstirrers exist.
I also know how very much I WANT to believe you.
I’ll think this through at my own pace, hell, I’ll even investigate this and that if need be.
My lust for you will make me biased, so give me distance until I reach my verdict.
In other words, don’t call me, I’ll call you…
I would forgive you,
Being high all day,
and still blue.
The loud silence,
screaming in the background
of my thoughts.
A forgotten green bottle
in my hand.
Anger still reigns…
and cheers me up.
I start to breathe,
for the first time