Category Archives: death of a child

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Unexpected trigger…

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.   Out of the blue, memories came flooding back…   I remembered your hearse.  It was white; I chose white for your hearse.  It seemed appropriate because you were “still a little girl”…

I remembered that conversation with the funeral home director as I was driving home from work last night, and the tears started pouring out of me.

I cried so hard that the road was blurry.  I heard my sobbing as I was driving along, and I relaxed and cried my heart out.

Before you died, I told you I would cry forever.  But the truth is that I spend most of my time holding the hurt in.  Holding my tears in.  Being strong.  Allowing myself to live somewhere between blocking you from my thoughts, and not forgetting you for a single second.

It’s almost 8 years since you died.  Since I crashed the car that you died in.    My life has gone on, but yours ended that day.

That’s not fair.

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.

 

 

An unexpected trigger.

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Goodbyes and highs…

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The sun came out this morning,

it was shining from my eyes.

I woke, anticipating,

a fat pocket full of highs.

I’m gonna numb out all the sadness,

I’ll fill my world up with false light.

Ignoring those who judge me…

cos unbroken hearts don’t have that right…

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Like a stone…

What can I say when the words won’t come?

The pain just sits in my heart like a giant weight,

that keeps on growing…

How do I cry when my tears have dried up?

Emotions are stuck in my throat,

like lumps.

I’ve been strong for so long,

through my grief,

I’ve gone on…

But now I feel cold,

like a stone.

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I lie…

I tell the world that I’m ok,

a well placed smile hides my lie.

My pain is deeply locked away

till we’re alone, my grief and I.

It’s not myself that I’m deceiving,

to understand you’d have to know….

My childs death I’m always grieving,

my broken heart won’t let me go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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No matter what…

Baby.

You’re always in my thoughts,

no matter what I’m doing.

I feel you beside me sometimes…

In my wishes.

I hold tight to every single memory I have of you,

Such treasures.

I looked through our photo box yesterday.

Your face smiled up at me the whole time,

until I couldn’t bear it anymore…

I had to put the lid back on.

You.

I remember every freckle on your body

Your body that was so like mine.

I’m so sorry Bryer.

I still cry every day.

I cry for the life you lost.

I cry because I miss you – more than words can express.

I cry for you.

I have to believe I will see you again.

But, until that day comes,

you’ll always be in my thoughts, Baby.

No matter what I’m doing.

 

 

 

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Bryer.

Each morning brings the same heartbreak.

A nightmare that is lived awake.

Split second choice I once did make.

My daughter died from that mistake.

Three years of tears could fill a lake.

The strength you see is all a fake.

If it was them, their “life they’d take”.

But I’ll grow old…  For Bryers sake.

 

 

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Lost soul…

 

Lost.

The path has blurred.

Busy hands occupying time,

while thoughts wander.

Rebuilding life

around the emptiness

she left behind…

How?

A pipe full of courage

gives the illusion of strength,

while the smoke blows in the wrong direction.

A shattered soul

clings to the numb.

Terrified of a reality

built upon the ashes

of devastation.

Broken hearted,

and lost.

 

 

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Hole wide world…

There’s a hole in our home

that can’t be repaired.

The girl who once lived here is gone.

There’s a hole in the world

that cannot be filled.

The girl I gave life to is gone.

There’s a hole in my heart

that can never be healed.

The girl, most beloved, is gone.

She took a whole lot of love

when she left us that day.

She left behind such a big hole.

 

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My mourning…

Do you see the sadness in my eyes,

or would it come as a surprise

to find out that my heart is hollow,

or how much of my hurt I swallow..?

 

Do you notice my unhappy soul?

Each tear I cry taking it’s toll..

My endless pain is worse each day,

my rock developed feet of clay…

 

The grief I carry haunts my mind

the child’s face, time left behind.

I struggle through another week

with sorrow rolling down my cheek.

 

 

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Missing my Miss…

I miss you today.

I miss you everyday

but today I can’t numb it.

I’ll keep trying though…

I’ll do anything to escape this pain.

I gave you life.

Then I took it away.

Your life.

I’m so sorry Baby.

Be mad at me.

Be sad at me.

Be anything.

But don’t be gone.

 

 

 

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Lost…

Her lock of hair sits in a box.

My broken heart continues beating.

Life carry’s on, she’s left back in time.

Minutes with her were too fleeting.

Her soul stands beside me

unseen are her tears.

She wishes I’d live without pain.

But my arms want my girl,

my eyes ache for her face.

Every morning the hurt starts again.