Category Archives: Grief

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I will love you always…

The widow cries…

“I’m doing fine”

she lies…

The clothes he wore

half packed,

half scattered on the floor…

Being strong is hard today…

Yesterday,

she did ok.

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Unexpected trigger…

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.   Out of the blue, memories came flooding back…   I remembered your hearse.  It was white; I chose white for your hearse.  It seemed appropriate because you were “still a little girl”…

I remembered that conversation with the funeral home director as I was driving home from work last night, and the tears started pouring out of me.

I cried so hard that the road was blurry.  I heard my sobbing as I was driving along, and I relaxed and cried my heart out.

Before you died, I told you I would cry forever.  But the truth is that I spend most of my time holding the hurt in.  Holding my tears in.  Being strong.  Allowing myself to live somewhere between blocking you from my thoughts, and not forgetting you for a single second.

It’s almost 8 years since you died.  Since I crashed the car that you died in.    My life has gone on, but yours ended that day.

That’s not fair.

I passed a hearse as I was driving home from work last night.

 

 

An unexpected trigger.

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Goodbyes and highs…

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The sun came out this morning,

it was shining from my eyes.

I woke, anticipating,

a fat pocket full of highs.

I’m gonna numb out all the sadness,

I’ll fill my world up with false light.

Ignoring those who judge me…

cos unbroken hearts don’t have that right…

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I lie…

I tell the world that I’m ok,

a well placed smile hides my lie.

My pain is deeply locked away

till we’re alone, my grief and I.

It’s not myself that I’m deceiving,

to understand you’d have to know….

My childs death I’m always grieving,

my broken heart won’t let me go.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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No matter what…

Baby.

You’re always in my thoughts,

no matter what I’m doing.

I feel you beside me sometimes…

In my wishes.

I hold tight to every single memory I have of you,

Such treasures.

I looked through our photo box yesterday.

Your face smiled up at me the whole time,

until I couldn’t bear it anymore…

I had to put the lid back on.

You.

I remember every freckle on your body

Your body that was so like mine.

I’m so sorry Bryer.

I still cry every day.

I cry for the life you lost.

I cry because I miss you – more than words can express.

I cry for you.

I have to believe I will see you again.

But, until that day comes,

you’ll always be in my thoughts, Baby.

No matter what I’m doing.

 

 

 

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Bryer.

Each morning brings the same heartbreak.

A nightmare that is lived awake.

Split second choice I once did make.

My daughter died from that mistake.

Three years of tears could fill a lake.

The strength you see is all a fake.

If it was them, their “life they’d take”.

But I’ll grow old…  For Bryers sake.

 

 

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A simple pleasure…

Watching the dogs

sprint past

in the cool night air.

Breathing.

The quiet breeze

gently ruffles my hair,

and the darkness

surrounds everything.

Breathing.

Remembering.

I remember that you’re gone.

Like a giant slap in the face,

a freight train smashes into my heart,

and I hear sobbing

deep inside my soul.

 

I’m so sorry Baby.

 

I grit my teeth.

The crushing in my chest

settles into a familiar heavy ache,

and the breeze ruffles harder,

reminding me

not to miss a second

of living.

To bask in every moment of life.

 

On your behalf,

if not my own.

Xx

 

 

 

 

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My mourning…

Do you see the sadness in my eyes,

or would it come as a surprise

to find out that my heart is hollow,

or how much of my hurt I swallow..?

 

Do you notice my unhappy soul?

Each tear I cry taking it’s toll..

My endless pain is worse each day,

my rock developed feet of clay…

 

The grief I carry haunts my mind

the child’s face, time left behind.

I struggle through another week

with sorrow rolling down my cheek.

 

 

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Missing my Miss…

I miss you today.

I miss you everyday

but today I can’t numb it.

I’ll keep trying though…

I’ll do anything to escape this pain.

I gave you life.

Then I took it away.

Your life.

I’m so sorry Baby.

Be mad at me.

Be sad at me.

Be anything.

But don’t be gone.

 

 

 

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Lost…

Her lock of hair sits in a box.

My broken heart continues beating.

Life carry’s on, she’s left back in time.

Minutes with her were too fleeting.

Her soul stands beside me

unseen are her tears.

She wishes I’d live without pain.

But my arms want my girl,

my eyes ache for her face.

Every morning the hurt starts again.

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I’m breathing today…

Don’t fret about me,

I’m doing ok.

I understand that you’re worried,

but I’m grieving my way.

I need to keep busy

or my thoughts start to stray,

I’d sit and dwell if I let me,

but coulda, shoulda won’t pay.

Drugs are a blessing

I’ll damn well numb what I may,

Take a walk wearing my shoes

before having your say.

I understand that you’re worried,

but grief is different each day.

I love you for caring.

I’m doing ok.

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Memories of Bryer…

Bryer.

Today I opened a box full of memories

and the first thing I saw

was your beautiful face

smiling up at me…Bryer.

 

 

It’s been two and a half years

since I saw your smile.

How have I survived so long…

when my heart died

with you.

 

 

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Grief…

 

It’s always there.

Even when I’m preoccupied with the task at hand,

the grief is never far.

I’ve become used to the weight of it now.

I’ve learnt how to distract myself from it.

I’ve learnt how to live with the agony.

Most of the time…

It’s always there though.

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Bryer was here…

My eldest daughter was only twelve when I killed her.

It was a cold Saturday morning, and my youngest daughter had just finished playing netball, she was grumpy because her team had lost, and she was arguing with her sister about sitting in the front seat.

“Muuum!”  my oldest girl moaned “It’s MY turn!”

I lost my temper “That’s enough you two!  I’m sick of the fighting! It’s Bryers turn in the front and that’s that!”

Both girls stopped arguing and jumped into the car and put their seat belts on.  We left the netball courts and began the long drive home.  I started feeling sorry for growling them, so I stopped at a bakery and brought treats for the drive home.   Back on the road again, I smiled at my oldest daughter as I handed her a piece of cake,  I then passed my youngest daughter hers in the backseat.  I only took my eyes off the road for a split second when I heard the crunch of gravel as our car started veering off the road, I quickly swerved the steering wheel to straighten us up, but I must have swerved too hard, and our car started fish-tailing out of control.  It all happened so fast, yet so slowly at the same time.  I remember feeling our car spinning across the road, and I remember seeing another car driving towards us.  I don’t remember the bang of our car hitting the other car.   I don’t remember the first few minutes after the crash.

The first thing I remember is realizing that I was sitting in the back seat, witness’s said I climbed out of my door and into the back seat to check my youngest daughter. Her leg was trapped, and she had a huge hole above her eye, other than that she was conscious and calm.   No-one knows if I checked my eldest girl in the passenger seat, and to this day it haunts me that maybe I didn’t…

I remember the police and ambulance arriving, followed by a firetruck to cut my daughters out of our car.

The next half hour is a blur to me.

A police officer came and told me that the rescue helicopter was on its way to take my daughters to hospital, I would go in an ambulance – I was in shock and didn’t fully comprehend how serious their injuries were.

I remember being in the ambulance, when suddenly I felt something break inside of my heart – that’s the best way I can describe it – something died inside of me…   I started to panic, “Bryer has died”  I said to the ambulance officer in the back with me “She’s died, she’s died”     He tried to calm me down, but couldn’t, so in the end he asked the driver to radio the helicopter…

The reply finally came back that no she hadn’t died, but she was in a serious condition.   I couldn’t calm down though – I knew what I had felt.

We got to hospital and my girls were already in surgery.  I was put through various tests while a nurse picked bits of glass out of me.  The whole time I was crying to know what was happening with my children – I knew Bryer had died, but they kept telling me both girls were alive and in surgery.  They kept giving me hope.

Hours passed, and my injuries were treated while my girls were in surgery.  I had a broken rib and bruised lung and severe bruising on my brain.  It took fifteen stitches to close the wound on my chin up.

No-one would tell me what was happening with my children.

Finally I was wheeled into a room, and I saw my ex-husband there, holding my eldest daughters hand

“It’s a farce” he said “She’s already gone”.   He was crying and crying, but I was numb, I just looked at her.

She didn’t have a scratch on her beautiful face, It took many months before I was able to understand how she could be gone when I couldn’t see any injuries.   I still don’t understand why they gave me hope, even though I already knew that she had died.

The impact of the crash had caused Bryer’s seat belt to perforate her lung, stopping oxygen from getting to her brain.     Her brain had died in the helicopter.  The doctors fought to save her, but Bryer’s injuries were too severe.

With our consent, the doctor turned the machine that was keeping Bryer’s heart beating off, and her official time of death is 6.11pm.

My youngest daughter received a broken wrist, and eighty stitches put her face back together  (two and half years later and the scar is barely noticeable).

I was charged with driving on an expired licence, and sentenced to one year home detention.

I am nearly at the end of my sentence now – my official sentence, that is.    Everyday I cry for my beloved daughter and wish she could forgive me.  Everyday I live, knowing that it should have been me who died, and knowing that I can’t ever forgive myself.

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Acceptance…

I’ve been dreaming about you Baby,

You seem happy and peaceful.

Your hair has grown long, since I last saw you.

You’re full of hugs and smiles towards me.

Does that mean you forgive me?

Is it me that is unable to forgive myself?

 

Sometimes I really believe that I can feel you near me.

But mostly, the emptiness around me is solid and absolute.

Every day I lose more hope

as the reality sets deeper in my heart.

 

I know that only memories and boxes now remain, where you once existed.

You yourself, are forever gone.

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Judge, jury and executioner…

So you met me once.

You spent five minutes in my company.

That was almost ten years ago.

 

That gives you the right to judge me?

 

In my time of devastation and heartbreak,

You judged me loudly.

 

How does it feel to be you?

Sitting high and mighty

on your self acclaimed pedestal… 

Are you content with your life?

Do you like who you are?

I want to wish my pain on you

But I wouldn’t wish this for anyone.

I want to hate you, and kick you, if you ever meet your downfall.

Kick you right in the heart…

The reality is that I wouldn’t do what you did to me

I’m a bigger person than that.

I want to be able to forgive you.

But I’m not actually that big.

 

 

I met you once.

I spent five minutes in your company.

Almost ten years ago.

You have no right to judge me.

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Eleven weeks and four days to go…

Time doesn’t exist in this now

Counting down weeks

Completion is in sight

A sentence will end

  The sentence has begun

                                                  Wishing to turn back days

                                                  Willing nights to hurry past

                                                  Dreaming of just one more moment