Category Archives: mary-jane

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Bad books…

I’m sleeping over,

Iv been run out of home.

It’s the doghouse for me,

My friends spare bed’s on loan.

I can’t shut my mouth,

I have opinions to say.

So I’m back in his bad books,

And sent on my way.

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Monday (hindsight)

Shit.

Procrastination.

Nothing to show.

A house half vaccummed,

half the grass had a mow.

Resented by my teenager,

contempt is coming from my man.

I need to shake my focus,

and have faith in who I am.

 

.

 

 

 

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The Mulberry bush…

 

Around and around we go, stuck on the same song.

broken_record

 

Things coast along nicely for a week or two,

then you back off me, suddenly.

For the next few weeks, your visits are far and few between,

and always well after midnight…

I don’t hear from you at all, outside of odd booty calls.

I begin to feel hurt and angry.

It bothers me to the point of misery,

so I decide it’s time I let go of you.

But as I reach my breaking point,

you turn on your charm…

You have time for me.

I feel attractive to you.

I feel wanted, loved and important.

I let my guard down.

Things coast along nicely for a week or two…

 

And around we go,  stuck on the same song.

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The lack of us…

Where is the effort you promised?

Where is the regret you expressed?

Where is the love you declared?

 

I see nothing that encourages me.

I hear empty words being spoken.

I feel bitterness growing in my heart.

 

Is this your idea of togetherness?

Am I supposed to settle for less than to be happy?

Should we not let go of what is already gone?

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Pulling myself together…

 

…And so begins a new day.

A day to hold my head high, and thus rescue my pride.

A day to busy my hands, in the hope that my thoughts will busy themselves too.

A day to surround myself with smoke, a coping mechanism.

 

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Sometimes…

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

You’re nasty to me.Walking on Eggshells

well,

mostly you’re kind

I know your heart’s soft,  down deep inside

I like hearing you laugh, we share jokes to and fro

then out of the blue, your anger does blow

I feel so small and scared and weak

whatever I say you class as cheek.

I don’t want to leave cos we’ve been through so much

So I’ll patiently wait til love’s back in your touch…

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Boss of me…

You scare me when we fight.

I stop knowing who you are.

I’ve learnt to still my smart mouth

But that doesn’t get me far.

 

I’m wrong to disagree with you

no self defense from me.

How dare I walk out of the room

Disrespect is what you see.

You call me names

You mock my tears

You pretend it’s time to hit

You’re thrice my size and much more strong

You scare me out of shit.

 

Then off you storm in cold hard rage

I’m sobbing out my eyes.

The silent treatment takes the stage

Til I apologize.

 

 

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Zip it.

A worn out welcome hovers

around the house guest that doesn’t leave.

At ‘goodbye’ time,

the tears begin…

“What have I done wrong?”

 

‘Leaving time’ doesn’t usually mean you’ve done something wrong,

But seeing as you ask….

 

A moments peace would have been nice, while you stay here

in my own home.

You talk about nothing.

Then you talk about talking about nothing.

My ears are sore from your nonstop yapping.

You talk too much 

for someone as used to the quiet as I am.

My head is done in,

and it’s time for you to go home.

Save your tears for someone else’s ears.

 

Things would be different

if just once,

for just one minute,

you would just zip it!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Suspicious minds…

The best form of defense, is offence.

My man sometimes goes away for a night or three for “business”.    I’d have to be blind not to notice how every time – without fail – his son, or daughter come and park their butts on my couch for the entire duration of his “trip”.   I actually adore his kids, but I can tell the difference between their social visits to me, and their visits that have another explanation behind them…

I’m being babysat.

I know it isn’t because they love my company that much…

I doubt it’s because my safety is at risk  (every time!)…

I think it’s his way of making sure I don’t screw around while he’s out of town…

 

I don’t know what to think about that.  Should I be offended that he thinks I would do that to him?

Should I be flattered that he’s worried about losing me?

Should I worry that he has a guilty conscience,  which makes him suspicious of mine?

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Time flies…

 

Puffing away on a crystal orb,

Searching for the elusive high…

Feet that won’t leave the ground,

Accepting frustration, no sting in sight

I turn away from the bowl….

 

 

Mary-Jane watches my desperate dance,

She smiles, and takes my hand.

We twirl together, in time to the music playing in my head,

tapping our toes to the tune.

Watching the hours wave, on their way pass…

         
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Tonight…

You and me

Spending my day getting everything done

so that I can spend time with you tonight – as planned…

Fine!

 

 

 

 

The sinking feeling in my stomach when you arrive,

only to tell me you “had forgotten that you already had something else planned – sorry…”

 

 

 

 

Putting my walls back up as I acknowledge to myself

Rejected

that you will always cancel on me when something else comes up…

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Time…

Black sand falling through the hourglass.

Minutes passing by.  Time without you.

Years.

 

How does one carry on

with broken shards in place of a heartbeat?

Every breath cutting deep

with the knowledge that you are gone.

 

Forever.

Such a painful word.

A bottomless void.

Eternal teardrops

measuring the depth of my love.

 

How can you blame me

for numbing this pain?

This death in my soul?

 

Black sand marks the passage of time without you.

 

 

 

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Walking on eggshells…

One of us gets to choose when we see each other.

One of us doesn’t have to justify anything.images (6)

One of us has the pleasure of being waited on hand and foot.

One of us has sex on tap.

One of us is never wrong.

One of us is always a top priority.

One of us wins an argument with violence.

One of us uses the silent-treatment to punish.

One of us doesn’t realise how close they are to not being one of us anymore.

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Deja Vu…

Now isn’t our time.images (6)

Inside fate is where we walk our separate paths.  Our separate lessons.                                            

Collected memories lay buried, half forgotten in our soul.                                            

Kindred spirits sparking flames together.

 

 

Waiting through a lifetime.  Hours passing bring us closer to each other.

I know who you are.  Your soul gives me glimpses of someone I recognise.

Long ago love.

Destined to meet again.  Our paths are intertwined.            

Eternal time is ours.

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Back to basics…

Another night in by myself.images (6)

Mary-Jane and I sit quietly together,

holding hands.

Smoke drifts through the air,

and the room fills with peace.

My body calms, and my thoughts relax, peacefully.

Chocolate calls my name.

My soul sighs with deep relief,

as I head off to bed with a smile.

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The real deal…

I didn’t insist that you prove your love,images (6)

I didn’t ask you to lay it all out.

I didn’t expect you to give me the world,

I didn’t think I’d let go of my doubt.

I thought that we were over,

I thought your love had died.

I thought I’d simply let you go,

I thought to save my pride.

You came and picked my pieces up,

You won my distrust war.

You offer me your hand through life,rose1

You are my rock,

and more.

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Mary’s magic mushies, & Me…

Mary-Jane hot boxes my bedroom,images (6)

with Shroom powder sprinkled in…

My mellow smile turns into a super grin.

Fast movements speed past in slow motion.

A blur settles around the edge of my vision.

There’s a good feeling in my stomach

That matches the one in my cheeks.

Another mixed-up-Mary success.

 

 

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Fool me once, shame on you…

You finally showed your face today.

After I busted you and you stormed out, and then ignored me for a week,

I was abit impressed you had enough balls to come here today.images (6)

Admittedly, it wasn’t a personal visit,  we needed to do some business,

and business matters must always be kept separate from personal ones…

So, how the fuck did we manage to end up in bed then?

It wasn’t even slightly romantic,  just fast, hard sex.

The exact sort of sex I was needing.

I didn’t intend to look you in the eye at all, I even tried to keep mine shut so I wouldn’t,

but at one stage, I opened them, and accidentally looked straight into your eyes,

and what I saw surprised me. . .

You’ve been missing me.

Afterwards I got straight up and started getting dressed, with my cold shoulder facing you.

That’s when you said it…

“I did not fuck her”

I’m quite certain all busted partners say the same thing, so I ignored it and just carried on being cold to you.

You sat up, and gently grabbed my chin, making me look at you

“I said i didn’t fucken fuck her”.

I am not some gullible moron that gets sucked in easily by bullshit,

but I looked at you as you said that – I looked deeply…

And I believed you.

Uh-oh… that means I’m an asshole!

A jealous, suspicious, assuming asshole!

I’m not usually the jealous type though,

and your behavior WAS  a classic example of guilt…

I’m suddenly not sure about what I think I know at all.

I’m glad you’ve gone now because I need to mull this over in my head, on my own.

I believed what you said,  and i know what I know.

I know that facts can be twisted,  I know that shitstirrers exist.

I also know how very much I WANT to believe you.

I’ll think this through at my own pace,  hell, I’ll even investigate this and that if need be.

My lust for you will make me biased, so give me distance until I reach my verdict.

Please.

In other words,  don’t call me, I’ll call you…

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Twist my rubber arm..

images (6)Te Puke and I laugh wisely together

thinking on similar lines.

Sitting stoned on the couch, long after my friend is gone..

Alone here with Mary-Jane, and a glaze in my eye.

 

Puff puff,  toke…

 

My day becomes brighter, and the pleasant numb feeling relaxes my soul.

A friend with weed, is a friend indeed.

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For old times sake?

It’s now been five nights since I heard from you…    images (6)

I want you to visit tonight..

I want you to fuck me,  then go.

I don’t want to cuddle you.

I don’t want to talk to you.

I don’t want to ask important questions.

 

 

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Blue.

Being high all day,

Image

and still blue.

The loud silence, 

screaming in the background

of my thoughts.

A forgotten green bottle

luke warm,

in my hand.

Anger still reigns…

Fuck you!!

Mary-Jane arrives

and cheers me up.

I start to breathe,

for the first time

all day.

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Screw you!

images (6)Eating chocolate

and watching porn,

without you.

Starfishing

across my bed,

without you.

Feeling playful

and getting horny,

without you.

Letting go

and getting off,

without you.

Turn the light off

and snuggle down,

without you.

I miss you.

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You’re ass is A-class

The fire is roaring, and my nostril is raw.

You’re reading the newspaper,

and I’m quietly checking out your ass…

I spend a lot of time looking at that ass of yours,

and sometimes,  when you’re bending over in front of me,

Image

I think you know that…

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Tit for tat…

I won’t reply to your texts anymore, because you don’t reply to mine.

Yes, I know it’s childish of me.

I’ve told you so many times how much it annoys me when you ignore me though.

Annoys, upsets, and embarrass’s me.

I pride myself on not being needy, and I know I text you bugger all – once a day on average.

So wtf is your problem with replying?

Once in a blue moon, you surprise me by sending ME a text. . .

Today was one of those blue moons.

I chose not to reply – just to show you how it feels.

I admit that I giggled to myself when you text again an hour later, asking if I got your msg.

Image I chose to ignore that one as well.

Do you feel silly texting someone who doesn’t care enough to reply?

Are you wondering what I could be doing that’s more important than replying to you?

Has it crossed your mind that maybe I don’t mean it when I tell you how important you are to me?

Has it occurred to you that I may have had some sort of disaster?

I know how small I feel when you ignore me…

What do you think now?  How do you feel?

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I might be rude, but my manners are not.

I’m high as a kite and can’t stay on track.

There’s so much I could be doing, and I’m trying to do it all…

Sidetracked again…

A trail of mess behind me.

The fire is roaring,  and I’m shedding more and more clothes.

The view is great from up here on the ceiling…

Bouncing around in circles,  floating, flying, twirling.

Eyes watching me from the wall.

Mary-Jane calls me to sit down with her, to sit and twist…

I would be rude not to.

And would I like fries with my order?

Why yes, yes I would.

images (6)

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I can’t help but wonder…

Do you like knowing that I’m stuck here?

Do you like it that I miss you?

Do you like to keep me waiting for you?

Do you like my loneliness?    Do you even notice it?

Do you think about me after you leave?

Do you miss me?

Do you go out of your way to make time for me?

Do you take me for granted?ImageImage

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A bag of white lies…

The thrill isn’t thrilling.

I’m not feeling a buzz.

I’m sick of you trying to rip me off.

I hate the shit that surrounds you – the people aren’t real.

I can tell you’ve been cut, and you won’t ever heal.

Your murderers should be shot.

I hate what people will do for you.

They’ll do it for me, but because of you too.

I like monkey shadows,  and the noise in my ear,

the pole dancing pig with her laugh that I hear…

Down deep in my heart, the truth I do know,

I need a small break, but I  don’t want to let go…images (6)

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White noise…

There’s nothing I detest more, than a guest who ignores my “It’s time for you to go” vibe.

I’m a polite person by nature, I don’t like to hurt feelings, but OMG, sometimes I literally have to bite my tongue to prevent myself from screaming  at said guest to “Fuck off!!”

Tonight it took me two & a half hours to get one particular repeat-offender-overstaying visitor out the door, I even went so far as to blatantly stop listening to her, and buried my nose in my beloved laptop instead.  Still she babbled on – about absolutely nothing of interest either, I might add.  I must strike her as someone who cares about what time her cat came inside yesterday afternoon, or what some random bloke at some random gas station was eating…     Is it my hair?  Or do I sit in a certain “bore-me-to-death” kind of way?

I’m the type of person who can appreciate the art of a comfortable silence, its a precious thing to be able to share.    Tonight I can honestly say that my ears are still ringing from her constant white-noise chatter.

Only a lovely smoke will make me feel better at this stage…ImageOhhh yeah…  My world is peaceful once more.