Category Archives: relationship

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Emotional bully…

Defiance.

I’m not sorry at all.

Freeze me out with your coldness.

You’re a big fat brick wall.

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The impact has faded

of being treated with silence.

Sulk all you want,

I’m drunk with defiance.

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Bad books…

I’m sleeping over,

Iv been run out of home.

It’s the doghouse for me,

My friends spare bed’s on loan.

I can’t shut my mouth,

I have opinions to say.

So I’m back in his bad books,

And sent on my way.

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On the run…

The Angel digs his heels in,

and runs off with his brothers.

Left behind, I do not mind,

This time away from others.

My temper’s blown over.

The air is calm and clear.

When the Angel’s finished running,

he’ll come home,

and I’ll be here.

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Hate…

I have begun to hate you…

The way you sit on your high horse,

thinking you’re without fault,

while everyone around you competes for the best position

to kiss your fat ass.

I have begun to hate you…

Your slobbish, and grotty habits,

that make it a full time, despicable job,

for which you practically need a team of cleaners

attached to your heels

every minute of every day and night,

merely to keep the place clean-ish.

I have begun to hate you…

The snide remarks about me to (the constant stream of) visitors,

designed to make everybody laugh,

while a tiny bit more of my self esteem

shrivels up and abandons me.

I have begun to hate you.

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Insecure seeds…

I’m feeling insignificant,

a loving word is all I need.

He’s far to hard to give me that,

And my insecurities breed…

Over-thinking holds me hostage,

there’s no mercy on myself.

A loving word from him is all I need,

To soothe my mental health.

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Exclusive…

Exclusive?

Don’t lie.

I see more than you know.

You can’t keep your pants up,

your dick runs the show.

I’m disappointed.

I’m hurt.

I thought you were strong.

But you’re nothing so special.

About you, I was wrong.

 

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Monday (hindsight)

Shit.

Procrastination.

Nothing to show.

A house half vaccummed,

half the grass had a mow.

Resented by my teenager,

contempt is coming from my man.

I need to shake my focus,

and have faith in who I am.

 

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Misunderstand me…

I’m not asking for forgiveness.

I stand by what is done.

Don’t wait for an apology,

I won’t be giving one.

I asked to face our troubles,

to compromise and share.

Silence was your answer.

No single word of care.

I’m sorry this has happened.

I’m sad we’ve lost our flame.

But you misunderstand me,

I’m not fully to blame.

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Enough…

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You used to be my rock,

you were my anchor to the ground.

These days you’re still my rock,

you are a weight that holds me down.

You used to be my comfort,

you held me tight when Bryer died.

These days I beg your comfort,

to soothe my battered, broken pride.

You used to give me strength,

during my darkest, weakest time.

These days I waste my strength,

on all the eggshells I must climb.

Enough is enough.

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Take it or leave it…

It’s time we have a little chat,

about a rule of mine…

I want a man who’s not a rat,

knows where to draw the line.

I’ve grown strong, I know my worth,

and I’ll stand proudly by your side…

But I tell you there’s no way on Earth,

I’ll keep a man who lied.

If other women grace your bed,

I have the right to know.

No garden path will I be led,

where love and trust don’t grow.

So tell me now, if you I share,

so I can fairly choose…

I won’t accept a sneak affair,

I promise, me, you’ll lose.

Being honest is the only cost,

to make sure I don’t leave.

For what we have will all be lost,

if tangled webs you weave.

 

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Insecure Me…

It’s an insecure evening,

why aren’t you answering your phone?

My imagination’s wild,

it’s got a mind all of its own.

Yesterday was warm with love,

tonight I’m frozen out.

Every time we get too close,

you fuel my self doubt.

It’s an insecure evening,

I need to know that you still care…

Just acknowledge that I called you,

cos your silence is unfair.
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Wallflower…

The wallflower prepares

for a night on the town.

He’s slow picking her up,

but quick standing her down.

She watches the fun

from her place in the shade,

he ignores her all night,

she becomes more dismayed.

Why does he invite her

to be at his side?

It’s clear to all there

she’s just along for the ride…

 

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If you snooze you lose…

You visit me and fall asleep,

whose company is mine to keep?

Our conversation doesn’t flow.

How are we supposed to grow?

Your free time’s spent at other places,

your world is full of other faces.

I want somebodys life to share,

to fill my bed with more than air.

Your napping habits don’t amuse.

Don’t you know

if you snooze, you lose?

 

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Games…

It’s just another mind game.

It’s always different.

Always the same.

You pick a fight,

I get the blame.

You twist my words,

and freeze me out.

It hurts my pride.

It breeds self doubt.

 

This love isn’t fair.

You hold every card.

Please show that you care…

Stop treating me hard.

 

 

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Hells Belle…

You’re an angel with a mood swing,

loved ones emotionally abused.

Hierarchy makes you always right,

eternally excused.

You’re charismatic and you know it,

you’ve caught me with a spell.

Nobody really knows your heart.

Bloody man of Hell.

A death head puts you at the top,

your brothers have your back.

The wind is where you’re most at home,

The leader of your pack.

 

 

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Silver tongued Angel…

The charismatic playboy

leads women up the path,

a smile and wink enslaves them,

they’ll do whatever he may ask.

A dark horse lives behind his eyes,

nobody really knows him.

The face he shows is hard and wise,

folk jump to fill his every whim.

We hate to love him and love to hate,

the spotlight is his home.

His girlfriend’s left behind to wait,

unaware he’s back out on the roam…

 

 

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Solitaire…

Solitary partnership.

That sums up what we’ve got.

One worded conversations

is our exciting lot.

You fall asleep

when we’re alone,

I feel like such a bore.

An hour in my company

sure looks like it’s a chore.

I want to go on picnics

and maybe a beach stroll.

I’d love a simple

board game,

but that’s not how we roll.

A solitary partnership

is the relationship we’ve got.

We sit silently for hours,

and yawn,

more often, than not.

 

 

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Leather and lace…

He is as soft and deep

as he is hard and cold.

A complex man.

He rides at the front,

proudly leading his brothers.

The death head he wears

is a force to be reckoned with.

The world panders to his title.

His power.

His absolute power.

His absolute power corrupts…

He is hard and scary.

He is warm and cuddly.

He came to me for a reason.

And a season.

But not a lifetime.

 

 

 

 

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Two to tango…

And still, we try…

Dinner, wine, snort,

and more wine…

Apple pie and ice cream

with wine…

Awkward conversation

mingles with the accusations

in each others eyes…

Neither one willing to speak

about the real problem…

Anger.

Guilt.

Hurt.

Guilt.

Those who are without sin

may cast the first stone…

We both stand on similar ground.

We both have every reason to feel angry.

Guilty,

and hurt.

 

 

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Confusion…

Running hot, running cold

keeping me in line.

Ignore me when I speak against,

how dare I undermine…

Days go by with nights alone,

my heart begins to pine…

But I know that underneath it all,

you’ve never thought you’re mine.

I face the facts and let you go,

you see that as the sign,

to turn up full of charm and love,

as though everything is fine.

 

 

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One side ride…

A one sided visit

from a one sided man,

with a one sided dinner

as the one sided plan.

One sided business,

then some one sided pleasure,

throw in one sided snoring

for one sided good measure.

 

 

 

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Who,what,when,how…

How did I become his enemy?

A soft word is a thing of the past.

Dislike oozes when he looks at me.

when did I become his enemy?

 

How did he lose his love for me?

A caring touch no longer comes.

Disinterest rings when he speaks to me.

When did he lose his love for me?

 

How did he stop wanting me?

We’ve had so many good times.

Now he can’t even look at me.

When did he stop wanting me?

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Fat goodbye…

It’s time for a smoke,

time to relax my mind.

My thoughts are chaotic,

I need to unwind.

He hasn’t been back,

it’s been over a week.

I’m sick of this silence,

I want a man who can speak!

I’ll sit here and smoke

thinking thoughts full of spite.

I’m better off with no bloke,

than one who’s never not right.

 

 

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Last chance…

You’ll “pull up your socks”.

You “don’t want us estranged”.

You’re “fixing your ways”.

The Leopards spots have changed.

You’ll start “showing me love”.

You’ll start “treating me kind”.

You’ll “respect how I feel”

when I’m speaking my mind.

I won’t need to fear

when your temper is burning

One more chance and I’ll see

it’s a new leaf you’re turning.

It’s hard to say no

to the charm in your eye…

“This time will be different”.

This one final last try.

 

 

 

 

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Holier than thou…

Gods gift to the world

demands centre stage.

It has to go his way,

or it’s the highway to rage.

 

Stamping his feet

he throws his weight round,

giving lectures for hours

he likes hearing his sound.

 

A well practiced charmer

with the women he chooses,

his affection’s the prize,

it’s his girlfriend who loses.

 

 

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Today…

Our tension lingers

in the air,

while Grand central station

is visiting.

 

 

I’m stuck inside myself.

Distant and sad.

Caught up in the hurt

of loss.

 

Rush hour ends.

Deep breaths.

Beer o’clock

Drained emotions.

 

In bed with Mary,

Smoking mellow habit.

Sadness easing.

Time for sleep.

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The runaround…

My phone beeps…

Yet another text from you.

“Yes, I do have plans sorry”  I reply.

You’re persistent, but I’m not cancelling anything for you.

Afterall, that’s how it works between us, isn’t it?

It’s funny how the middle of the night was the only time you could find to visit me while I was on home detention.

You seem to have found unlimited daylight hours for me now though.

Yes, I learnt a lot about you during my year at home…

Now it’s your turn to learn something about me.

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Let me go…

My anklet is off.

I’m free, I’m free!

Still, you had to turn my world upside down again.

You had to suck the pleasure right out of my freedom.

You left me with no option.

I had to do what was best for me…

I packed a bag, and skipped town.

For the first time in over a year,

I went away.

I got to breathe the sea air.

I got to relax with someone I trust.

I laughed.  I drank.

I was merry.

It felt good to get away.

It felt good to get home again.

I feel recharged.

I feel peaceful and energetic.

I need you to let me go now.

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Age gap appropriate

 

My boyfriend is older than me.

Much older.

It doesn’t seem right to even call him my ‘boyfriend’.

His age of 54 gives him a 20 year head start on me.

No, he isn’t a father figure to me.

No, I’m not a gold digger.

Three years down the track, and we still don’t live together

We probably never will.

I have come to terms with that.

I am four years older than his oldest child

He is four years younger than my Dad

Yet somehow we gel together.

 

Our age gap doesn’t exist where it counts.

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The last straw…

 

It takes a lot of courage to stop the cycle of misery.

Admitting how bad it is, and asking for help isn’t an easy thing.

Pride struggles with accepting support and care from friends.

Questioning yourself weakens determination…

 

“Where things really as bad as they seemed at the time..?”

 

Yes.

Things really were that bad.

 

It’s scary how easy it is to just give up, and return to the cycle.

It takes a lot of courage to break away from the cycle of misery.

I’m so proud of the steps you are taking, my friend.

You are not alone.

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We are not “us”…

I dropped a question by surprise

and worry flickered in your eye’s 

 as you quickly thought up liesliar

to back up other past denies.

 

 

You’re fooled to think I’m none the wise,

that I’d ignore instinctive cries.

The you I loved I now despise,

Dishonest words brought our demise.

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The Mulberry bush…

 

Around and around we go, stuck on the same song.

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Things coast along nicely for a week or two,

then you back off me, suddenly.

For the next few weeks, your visits are far and few between,

and always well after midnight…

I don’t hear from you at all, outside of odd booty calls.

I begin to feel hurt and angry.

It bothers me to the point of misery,

so I decide it’s time I let go of you.

But as I reach my breaking point,

you turn on your charm…

You have time for me.

I feel attractive to you.

I feel wanted, loved and important.

I let my guard down.

Things coast along nicely for a week or two…

 

And around we go,  stuck on the same song.

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The lack of us…

Where is the effort you promised?

Where is the regret you expressed?

Where is the love you declared?

 

I see nothing that encourages me.

I hear empty words being spoken.

I feel bitterness growing in my heart.

 

Is this your idea of togetherness?

Am I supposed to settle for less than to be happy?

Should we not let go of what is already gone?

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Pulling myself together…

 

…And so begins a new day.

A day to hold my head high, and thus rescue my pride.

A day to busy my hands, in the hope that my thoughts will busy themselves too.

A day to surround myself with smoke, a coping mechanism.

 

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Deal breaker…

Fury:  A red hot desire to scream your head off while smashing everything that reminds you of the offender into little pieces.

 Heartache:  Trying so hard not to cry, and being unable to help it.

Denial:  Hoping the offender will arrive with a perfectly good explanation that proves their innocence and devotion.

Humiliation:  The wish to hide forever, because everybody probably knew all along how gullible you are.

Dignity:  Desperately trying to control the above emotions so as not to attract sympathy or I-told-ya-so’s.

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Sometimes…

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

You’re nasty to me.Walking on Eggshells

well,

mostly you’re kind

I know your heart’s soft,  down deep inside

I like hearing you laugh, we share jokes to and fro

then out of the blue, your anger does blow

I feel so small and scared and weak

whatever I say you class as cheek.

I don’t want to leave cos we’ve been through so much

So I’ll patiently wait til love’s back in your touch…

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Boss of me…

You scare me when we fight.

I stop knowing who you are.

I’ve learnt to still my smart mouth

But that doesn’t get me far.

 

I’m wrong to disagree with you

no self defense from me.

How dare I walk out of the room

Disrespect is what you see.

You call me names

You mock my tears

You pretend it’s time to hit

You’re thrice my size and much more strong

You scare me out of shit.

 

Then off you storm in cold hard rage

I’m sobbing out my eyes.

The silent treatment takes the stage

Til I apologize.

 

 

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Suspicious minds…

The best form of defense, is offence.

My man sometimes goes away for a night or three for “business”.    I’d have to be blind not to notice how every time – without fail – his son, or daughter come and park their butts on my couch for the entire duration of his “trip”.   I actually adore his kids, but I can tell the difference between their social visits to me, and their visits that have another explanation behind them…

I’m being babysat.

I know it isn’t because they love my company that much…

I doubt it’s because my safety is at risk  (every time!)…

I think it’s his way of making sure I don’t screw around while he’s out of town…

 

I don’t know what to think about that.  Should I be offended that he thinks I would do that to him?

Should I be flattered that he’s worried about losing me?

Should I worry that he has a guilty conscience,  which makes him suspicious of mine?